Once upon a time, I was proud what I did till yet. I was proud to write my blogs in English and I really thought that my English isn’t that crap. Once upon a time…well I realized that it isn’t like that. I read for the first time my previous blogs and I do have to admit that my English isn’t that good as I thought. I guess I do have to apologize for my vanity. It’s hard to write nowadays; somehow I lost interest in writing, maybe because I realized that I can’t write so well in English or maybe because there is not really enough time to write things down when they are fresh and when I can remember the details really well. I thought about writing again in German, but I guess that won’t improve my English knowledge. So I will continue writing my blogs in English, even if they ain’t that good.

What happened in the last few weeks? Quite a lot, to be honest. I moved back to Germany, I went to Cornwall for several days and I went to Snowdonia in North Wales for a short while as well.

Cornwall wasn’t that good as I expected it will be. To be honest, it was more like a sausage fest. I had some good days though, but the fact that most of the people there lived only for party and drugs was quite frightened. Not that I’m not that guy who likes to go to parties, but somehow it wasn’t the same to me anymore. I love to dance, most of them couldn’t dance. I love to talk rubbish; most of them couldn’t find any funny theme. I love to flirt, well most of them were too bizarre for me. I didn’t have anything in common with most of them and my mate’s was in love with his girlfriend who was in his Camp hill and waited for him, so he wasn’t any help. It was a good time with him though. But I wouldn’t do it again. Not because I don’t like him, just because if you go with only a mate of yours, he should be a really good mate, that’s what I think. We hadn’t had enough material to talk about.

Hiking with my parents in Snowdonia was quite a good thing to do, I realized that hiking by your own is much more exciting than with somebody else. Not that I didn’t enjoy the time which I had with them, I really did, but it’s always different if you go for a hike with your parents. I had that feeling I owe them a really good time and I really tried to make the best out of it. That might have been a mistake, because I couldn’t really enjoy the time spending with them, it felt odd a bit. But I’m happy that they came to see me and to go on holidays with me. I really enjoyed seeing them again.

It is strange how you realize that everything stayed the same around you after you came back from a one year trip. Nothing really change, maybe there are some new buildings or maybe your parents have some new items or your friends a new haircut or a new way to dress up or some new clubs in the town next to your village, well a lot of things can change in a year. But nothing really changed as much as you did in that year. Mostly people don’t change. They might think they changed. Or maybe they look not as they did as you left Germany one year ago. Maybe they are taller. Maybe they are more beautiful than before. But they didn’t change really, they didn’t change how they act and behave. They didn’t change their way of thinking about things. They just didn’t change.

I went to this beer festival yesterday evening but I didn’t drink beer there, because I didn’t like the brand of the beer they offered there. Anyway, I went there with 2 old friends who are actually friends of my brother’s. We had quite a nice time there, but I felt really strange. I felt awkward to be honest. The people around there disgusted me. Sure not all of them, but sadly most of them. Their strange view about life and the enjoyment in it. I even didn’t know what to talk about to the women there. It seemed to me that they are not even interested in a nice talk, or sex behind the festival tent =). Farmer girls -.-!

I’m too tired to continue that blog, but I might do it tomorrow. We’ll see.

However you will feel, you should remember your past. I felt so awful emotionally in the last few month, nothing like love did every really delighted my heart, but I was wrong in that thought. Sometimes it’s more than a man and a woman. I realized that today in my leaving circle. My student Mark sat next to me and he was calm as never he has been before and I gave him the first huge I’ve ever seen. It’s not love between different sexes and nothing sexual at all. Maybe it’s not love at all, but I like him really much though, when he smiles at me, such an honest smile, with so much hope and joy in it. It sounds stupid to say that, but if you never experienced such a moment with such a guy you can’t imagine how I felt. I’m not a guy of tears. I’m not a guy who uses the word love so often, but I guess that I love mark in a way. Totally friendly of course but I would wish I could see him every day. It might be difficult though to cope with it and I might don’t like it after awhile, but I really will miss him. I will miss that he waits for me every morning. I will miss to be called “Hannes” instead of Jonas.

Live goes on, all what I would wish for my future that I’ll never forget the time of being here, that I’ll never forget that those guys are like you and me. Maybe they can’t talk like you and me or act like you and me, but I’m pretty certain that they actually all understand deep down in their own exactly the same as we do if somebody talks to us.

Work is over and I’ll defiantly miss it, but I also will be happy to be back. Home, sweet home.

I’m a bit drunk because I had 1 ½ bottles of wine and some beers. Last work day, you have to celebrate that, isn’t that right?!

My back is good again, but my shoulder makes some problems now. I hope I can handle that as soon as possible. A lot of training and stretching will hopefully do the job.

I sign off for tonight, I need my bed and a good long sleep.

Sleep tight world; see you tomorrow with all your pleasure and delight.

Good evening out there. Another day and other thoughts slight through my mind like a kite in the blowing sea breeze. Yesterday I might was a bit too empathized with me. I don’t say today is everything again goody, but at least it’s better than before, although I fucked up my shoulder again and I hate that fact more than everything else. The third time and I’m so close to go home, sweet home, but before I can do that I still have to travel the shit out of England. See what one has to see, smell the air of the sea and the mountains. Smell the sweet juice of the youth and the salty taste of sweat, which runs over your face.

Time was the topic of which I actually wanted to talk to you guys yesterday. But I couldn’t come to the point to face that so important and destroying thing. Time! One always thinks, one has enough of it, but before you realize that your hair grew again, you will realize that time will drag you down. It will take us all down in the ocean of chaos and destruction. Nothing can hold it. Waves of stress bang against our rocks and cliffs of patience, but one day those rocks will break and will be part of the wide ocean of the chaos. The reason why I want to talk about time is nothing more than the fact that I’m only here for another few days. Well 18 days to be correct. Tomorrow is the big day, the last day of responsibility to those guys, the last time seeing the smile of a human being who won’t be accepted in our society as a human being? We are all in one way or the other people with difficulties, one more one less. Nevertheless, we are all people of the 21th century, dominated by sex and money and time. We invented those evil things, although I don’t think sex is evil, only selling it makes it so evil nowadays.

18 days and still so much to do, so much to say and so much to explore. How on earth shall I do that, do it in 18 times 24 hours. 64800 seconds. Counting from now.

Tomorrow. It always will be there till I die. So tomorrow shouldn’t be really that different from every other tomorrow. I will get up, later than I should. I will have my breakfast in silence. I will collect Peter and I will forget that he should walk by his own. I will go to the woodlands to work there. And I will face everybody. Students as staff to criticize the shit out of me, or it may be that the say I did a good job. Actually I don’t care, I had a wonderful year here and nobody ever can destroy this memory. For everybody who reads those lines I have only one thing to tell you about what really matters, what everybody realizes after such a year, at least I hope everybody does. Time doesn’t matter and to get angry or furious, impatient, stressed out, rude, etc. etc. it doesn’t bring you any further. Go with the flow. Not everybody can be a great person, how should we pick out the good ones if they are not surrounded by dickheads?

All what matter is happiness be happy about what you’ve got. Be happy about others luck.

I’m sorry guys that you can’t comment anymore, but this has his reason. Some funny guy wants to spam all day long, so I do get 80 spam comments every day which are a kind of annoying to me, because I have to go through them to sort the real comments out. Because of that, I blocked comment my block, but if you still what to say something to me about my work, please feel invited to write me an email.

I thought about writing a book one day and I would love to write in English, just because I think it is a beautiful language as far as you do have the vocabulary which I still don’t have. I might have it one day and then I’ll publish something novel, something what everybody wants to read it.

I hope my back will get better till tomorrow. There is always still a spark of hope!

And here I am. Don’t know what future will bring to me. Will I ever get happy after all, after all that shit which happened to me, after all those things which I fucked up? I was swimming in a pool of lies without a clue what I am doing. Everything has his consequence at one point, but there wasn’t a payback yet. I assume that my whole life will crash at that point at which I’m finally found the happiness. It’s like God hates me. Why should he be happy with me? Whatever did I right?

My life started as like everybody else’s. I grow up in a small village out of the town. We had a lot of space to play and a lot of other children around our place. I remember one day very clear and I actually never talk about that day very much. It was a day as every other day. I started it with going to the Kindergarten and after Lunch I wanted to go to my best friend during that time to play with him together like every other day. But this day was special, this day we didn’t play. His mum opened the door me tears in her eyes and I heard some other people crying in the living room. She told me with a stammering voice that he couldn’t play with me together. I didn’t get why and asked why. She told me that I should go home and my mother would explain it to me. So I did as I told to. I remember that day too clear and will never forget it. It was the day when I first was confronted with loosing somebody. I lost my best friend.

Maybe I’m not as fucked up as I think I am. Or maybe nobody really knows me. I was never really good in talking about my problems so I kept them for myself. I was always the problem case. There wasn’t one teacher who didn’t hate me. I disturbed the class, I never made my homework and I’m absolutely not proud of it. But I can’t change myself. I’m always the guy who can’t stop talking shit just because he is insecure in what he’s doing. To impress everybody I would have done a lot. I never realized that it actually harms me all the time. My marks weren’t bad. Actually they were pretty good if you think about the fact that I didn’t make my homework I learned a crap for tests and I never listened to the teachers. It surprises me really that I ended up like I am now. Somehow I found the right way after my first year in my qualification. Because I wasn’t the best in school I had to take a job offer as an electrician which isn’t bad at all. But my dream during that time was going into media design, which didn’t come true. Maybe it was the best for me to realize that you have to work hard to achieve something. I hated that job in the first 2 years. Every day as I woke up I wished I could change it could go back to the time and change everything, but I couldn’t. All what I could do was closing my eyes for a short moment take a deep breath and fight my way through another day of shit. In the beginning I didn’t earn really much but it was enough to spend it on alcohol on tobacco. The first day of my qualification I bought my first package of cigarettes and I never really stop till yet. Could I only find a reason why I should? Because it kills me, well what doesn’t kill you and harm you today even healthy stuff is just a bit healthier than all this other crap on the markets. But that’s not the point. Somehow I still don’t fell like stopping. How can I ever stop? Our whole environment prepares you to smoke. Advertisement everywhere you can look. Your favorite actor will smoke in your favorite serial. Your friends will smoke if you’re out with them. At least that is my case. But these thought which pops into my mind if I sit somewhere and start to star at something are unique and solved bunch of problems, on the other side it brought some new ones up with it as well.  That’s how a cigarette should always be. At first you roll it. Gently you take the paper out of the package. You unfold it and lay down some tobacco on it. You position the filter and start to roll it. It always takes for me longer than for other people, just because I enjoy already rolling it. Then you light it, slowly you bring the point of the flame to your cigarette and inhale the smoke.

That sounds weird and further as I would have some serious smoking problems, which I actually don’t have!

There is too much shit blowing around in my head which cases that I totally can’t write. I would love to write about my life or other things, I would love to be an author. But I can’t stay on track I have to leave it. Not only in life, as well with my writings.

Actually I wanted to write about time today. How on earth can time fly, especially if you still do want to do so many things! But I’m too tired now to think about that. I’ll just go to bed and get up tomorrow for my last official day to work here in England.

It took me more than 4 weeks, before I was ready again to think about writing some stuff for my blog. I supposed to write actually more than a few blogs every month. And in the beginning you really think it’s gonna be ease. Well it’s not, as far you enjoy your life and you don’t have any concerns of telling somebody or talking stuff off, well then you’ll end up just like me, writing every here and then.

After few lines I’m already out. I don’t know what to tell you. May be, because some much stuff did go on in the last few weeks, or it just might be that I’m running out of energy, karma; call it like you want to.

What would you expect to hear after few weeks of silence? Do you actually still read my blogs? Do you even check them ever once and awhile? I don’t know.

I never thought that it will be tricky for me to write things. I always could do writing, my mind was always working. I mean of course my mind is still working, but not as it used to work in the past. What did happen? I can’t really tell you, I even didn’t figure it out yet. Maybe I never will.

Did I grow up? Not really!

Did I accept my environment and stop thinking? Well that could be a possibility!

But what I most certainly don’t do anymore is, to over think everything. My mind was a machine, every moment I thought some pretty weird stuff. Not only weird stuff. Let’s say I was always complaining about most of the things. If I didn’t tell it, well then I cursed people in my mind. I had my own conversations with the voice in my head. Maybe I’m a freak, but I guess that everybody does that. If somebody pointed things out which according to the person I did wrong or I didn’t do, well I was already finding some stuff which they didn’t do in the past or finding something to take the laugh out of them. I judge people in my mind for everything. If they were fat, ugly, old, you get what I mean. I didn’t want to be mean, that’s why all this things went on in my head. I guess I was pretty unhappy to think in such a way. Why, I really can’t imagine why I should have been unhappy. I had everything. And still, something was bothering me. But I don’t get it what it could have been what made me unhappy, so far I was unhappy =).

Anyhow, I figured out that everything is much more easy if you except thing how they are. Find a positive aspect of it. Think about things in an easy way; don’t be bothered why you have to do it, or why things happened to you. Take only the positive side of it. Focus on it and hold it in your mind. Choice a song which you could hear forever and which will calm you down. In my case is it “three little birds” from Bob Marley. That really works. And if not, try to imagine yourself into the position of others in that moment and think if you wouldn’t be pleased as well if someone would do that for you.

The weather is terrific; sun all the time and really little rain. That makes this area even more gorgeous as it already is. This leads to the fact that I’ll be really sad if I gotta go pretty soon. Sure I’m looking forward to meet my friends again and to stay at parties longer than 3 am and some proper food, especially meat and lots more. I’m going with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.

But could somebody slow the time down, please.

I would like to write more then I do now. It’s been awhile again since I wrote the last blog, but that has for certain good reasons. I spent the last few weeks, planning my trip to the Lake District and finally going there. It was gorgeous. And it’s recommendable for everybody who love to hiking and love to see nature in its unique beauty; the mountains, the lakes, the fells. The touching sound of nature when you are on top of a mountain or on the way there, when you are resting on your way and in every single step which you are doing there. It is not that we are all living in an anti nature environment. There is everywhere nature. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But you certainly can’t compare it with the Lake District. Maybe it is only my point of view, but I guess not.

I won’t write about everything what happened to me and how it was, that would be just a way too much for tonight and it might bores you. Nevertheless I can tell you, that I will obviously change you if you go hiking by yourself for 1 week. I can’t point it how what exactly changes me, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the same person again. Maybe one day I’ll look back and realize that I changed in that or that way, maybe. But I don’t really bother if I wouldn’t.

It all comes to an end at one point and I’m really close to the end of that trip. Somehow I’m sad about that fact somehow I’m happy to see my family again, my friends. To eat local food which I was use to it once. See familiar faces. Talk about the experience which I made in a foreign country and with the work I’m doing here. The 17^th of June is just 5 minutes old and I have approximately 1 ½ month more to stay here. It seems a lot if you say it or read it, but if you are really honest with yourself and calculate the fact that time flies, well then it isn’t.

My mum told me, that one of my family members mentioned, that my English isn’t that good. Well maybe that member didn’t say it in that way. But still it was mentioned that my grammar wasn’t really good. Well to be honest, and fair enough guys, I don’t read what I’m writing and I normally have finished a 12 hours shift. I really give a damn about mistakes and if it’s the right grammar or not. I try to write it clear though. At the end of the day I do have to say that my English really improved during the last 9 month. I watch movies or series without any problem, maybe with the slang of some of them but hey who hasn’t any problems with the slang. Who really can understand Londoner slang without any problems at all? I mean proper Londoner slang, or let’s say Oxford or some weird American slang. Anyway, the point is I’m happy about my improvement, and that’s the thing which counts isn’t it?! I don’t have a lot of problems with reading books. I can have a good and long conversation. And most of all, I can imagine to study international without so many problems about understanding what my professor is talking about. At least I hope so =). And that’s what counts for me. If anybody is better than me, well than I guess I have to live with that. There is always one who’s better than you, you shouldn’t bother about that. You have to achieve what you want to achieve. And that’s what I did. I came to England to improve my English, which was, to be honest, really shit. I couldn’t have dared to think about writing a blog in English, even reading books with delight. But here I am. It might be not the best blog in the world, well and the grammar may be a big pill of crap. Eventually what counts is that I’m happy with it. Do I repeat myself? =)

I would love to hear some comments about what do you think about my English skill and if it’s hard to understand what I’m talking about or guessing what I meant.

Write to you soon.

I over salted the soup. It was the first dish in my life which didn’t go well. The reason for it was so simple like the math work in the 1. class in school. It happened so fast I didn’t even think about doing something wrong, but I keep going to spoil everything. What happened, I’ll tell you.

I saw lately Jamie Oliver and how I went to Italy. He did some finger licking dishes there and some gorgeous dessert. Well I was a kind of on the 7^th cloud at that moment, everything what I tried to do yet did go right, although it might didn’t look like it should be but still it was delicious at the end. But to today, today is the first day in my carrier as a cook as something didn’t work as I thought. So what happened exactly? Like I already mentioned I saw the TV program of Jamie Oliver and he’s a kind of a genius. Simple and delicious cooking. So he did this amazing Risotto, which made me suffering of hunger late in the night. And it really look not that tricky, honestly it isn’t. It is really simple and actually everything went like it should be. The Risotto had a creamy condition and it looked good. I was really proud of myself; I thought it’s going to be impressive. So at the end of all the stirring and stock putting into the pan I tried my master work. And it was horrible. Really salty, was my first thought which popped into my mind. Does it have to be like that, and will it be better at the end. Well to defend myself, at that point I never tried to cook that and I never watch how to do it in real. So I wasn’t sure about all and I kept going. Even if I wanted to, I was already at that point that I couldn’t change it anymore. It was close to dinner time and I had to be on time. There is no other change to make a second one, because some of the residents are going to go to a kind of a club afterwards. So I was really good in time. Everything was, seen from the time table, perfect. I had mushrooms in the pan next to the Risotto pan and I had to keep going otherwise something would have burned in.  I dished up everything. It looked really impressive to that time; it was a tiny bit too little though. Finally we all sat down and I tried it at first. The first thing what I thought was, oh my god what have you done. It was still over salted. I looked around and everybody shared their minds with me together. We were all in a kind of punishment, who would say something at first. And finally Jorlanta did. The sentence was kindly but still it smarted. What could it be, was all what I could think about during eating. Why is it so salty I didn’t put that much salt into it? So I tried to remember every single step which I have done up to the dishing up. And then, after few minutes brainstorming with my friends in my head I figured it out. On the back of the stock powder stood: for each liter stock 4tsp! Well that meant to me 4 tablespoons =) so I added 6 of them, because I had 1.5 liter water to be used as a stock. I know it sounds stupid and that a normal cook should know that it would be a way too much powder but I didn’t think at that moment and afterwards I thought everything is alright. But it wasn’t. Well to solve to riddle. 4 tsp each liter of stock means 4 teaspoons for each liter of water. Teaspoons, not tablespoons. I could hit myself for that mistake. Now it is pretty obvious why it was so salty. What does that means for me? Shall I leave cooking, or shall I just never try Risotto again. Certainly none of both. It means, that I have to do it again as soon as possible and improve it. I want to know how good my Risotto can be if I do it right. So we had this week a really salty edition of grilled mushroom risotto with porcini and chestnut mushrooms. I think about next time maybe a tomato-garlic-basil risotto. Might be good, might be worse. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Even more salty than the last one, ha-ha I’m pretty sure that will never happen again. I learn out of my mistakes.

But are those things really mistakes? I can’t say yes, and agree with that. In my opinion the first time when you do something not expected or not right. However you want to call it. I don’t agree that it is straight away a mistake. It is something else. I love to say: life hasn’t got any mistakes in it. Why? Because everything what you did “wrong” taught you something. To summarize that, all your “mistakes” made exactly this person out of you. So would you call it mistakes, or would you call it like me “things that changes your life”. Think about it. There are some mistakes in our world and of course you can make mistakes. But what is it, which makes the different. Well it is simple the thing that a mistake is a thing which you already made wrong and you should have learned about it in the first, but you didn’t. Does that mean you are stupid? No it doesn’t. It means only and nothing more than you weren’t rife enough or not ready yet for learning this lesson of life. Of course there are some stupid people in the world and to be pretty honestly we are all blind and stupid in our own ways. One more, one less. At the end of the day it only counts what you think about your mistakes and if you realize that you are doing some. So if I wouldn’t have done all this mistakes, whatever it was in my life. Well maybe I wouldn’t be here were I am right now. And maybe I wouldn’t write those lines ever in my life. And, yes, maybe you wouldn’t read it and you wouldn’t start to see you mistakes in another way. Well finally it really makes me thinking, what actually a mistake would be. I even can’t find an answer. Everything has his reason why things happen to us. It is my way how to look at the world. Some believe in God and make him responsible for everything worse that happened to them or their friends or neighbors or the cat, etc. etc. Sometime they even make him responsible for good thing, can you imagine that. Good thing, which god made. Yeah some people really believe in god, and to be honest I guess they need it. God is good, and bad in once. He is good because he makes people to keep on hoping, he is good because he makes people thinking about what is wrong and unacceptable, well in the basics. Nevertheless god is bad on the other side. He is the reason why we have some wares. He is the reason why some people use the weakness of others to make money. And so on, and on. You all should know about what to believe. I don’t want to change your minds after reading my blog, but it should at least makes you thinking about these things what I’m talking about. I know, most of it is rubbish, and the other half is already mentioned by someone else. Back to my point what I wanted to tell you. I was talking about that everything has his reason. It is a kind of already prepared life. Sounds stupid and boring, but it isn’t. There is no fixed end of your life in my imagination. But everything has his reason. Everything taught you something. It is only you who can try to make the best out of it. You could call it god. I call it destiny. But we shouldn’t trust it. We should be sure that at there is a destiny which actually affects your life and the entire environment around you. If you do so, it wouldn’t be the same. It is like a magic trick, it only works if you don’t know how. Now, you might think just now, how can he talk about destiny and believe in that, but on the other side he says that you shouldn’t trust it and you shouldn’t depend on it. Well that is tricky, but I try to explain it as short as possible. Long story, short. If you act as though the destiny will fix it and it will be all alright and you stop to think about stuff. Well then it won’t work, because it wouldn’t be magic anymore. But if you sit down sometimes and think about stuff and all your life, your past, your present and your future. Just try to find some connections, why things happened to you and where did they lead you at the end. Isn’t it stunning? Well in my case, it is. I wrote now approximately 1600 words. It started with an accident, and ended up in one of the foggiest parts in lifetime. Thanks for reading it up to here. I hope I didn’t bore you. I would love to read some comments. Comments for a writer, is the air which he breaths. So take a moment think about what I wrote, and tell me the truth of what you are thinking about it.

Til then, cya

Rainy Sundays are really depressing. Especially if you are alone and there is nothing to do. All what you can do is stay indoors and try to waste your time with things which aren’t really necessary at all. I could do so much useful, but somehow I can’t start today to do anything. It’s not that I hadn’t the energy or the time for it, it’s just that I can’t be bothered to do anything. I try to relax but even that seems to me nearly impossible, because I don’t really know what to do for relaxing. Somehow I’m sitting in front of my laptop and wait, I’m waiting for the final thought to pop up into my mind to release me from my pain of loneliness. To write these lines digs me even more in a depressing mood.

After writing these lines I went off to have a cigarette. I was so annoyed of myself, that I couldn’t sort my thought properly. Somehow is smoking one of the few times when I really think about my life, I stay there and just thinking whatever bothers me. I don’t have to smoke to think about that, but I do and so far I smoke only this one cigarette a day I am actually fine with it. After this cigarette I came back to my laptop and I minimized this blog. I thought about continuing it later on and that’s what I’m doing just now. While I was smoking I realized, that my mindset was totally unacceptable. Whatever bothers you, you should never think you are alone or weak. Because you’re not.  Even if you are alone, like me today, or some other days, well that’s how life is. Sometimes you are alone and hopefully most of the times not. Well in my case, I was and still am most of the time alone, if you see it from the side of a relationship. I do have enough friends which I love, certainly in a friendship way. I do have a lovely family which I love and respect, but I never found a single person which I could love. I am 22 years old now and I don’t know why I should be worried about that fact. I am not sad that it is like it is. I love my life, I love to chat girls up, and I love not to be worried about I could harm someone by doing such stuff. But what I am is, hmm let’s say doubtful. I do have this dream in my head. I have a great Job which I love, I have family and I’m happy. Well perfect life and like everybody else I’m not alone with exactly these wishes. I hope it will come true one nice day. I couldn’t do my job without someone who would carry me through all what will happen to me. But I’m sure out there is one maybe two people who could love such a freak like me. Everything’s gonna be alright. Keep positive thinking.

I’m keep saying that you should be happy and glad what you already achieved and I certainly am. But there are some few things in my life which I just can’t be good enough. I doubt all the time that my English knowledge isn’t that good as it should be. Even if everybody is telling me that my English would be really good and even if I compare it with other co-workers around here who stayed the same length of time like me, I still not really satisfied. I came here to England for one reason only. To improve my English. I knew already what I wanted to study and I still know it. I felt myself old and experienced enough to move out and live by my own. But I wasn’t happy about my English knowledge at all. I have very good marks in mathematics and physics and logical stuff my only weakness is language. I had a B-mark in German, which is actually fine. And I had I C-mark in English, which is acceptable, but not if you want to study economy. If you want to be successful later on you should speak English fluently and that wasn’t the case. So I decided to go in a foreign country where I could improve that. If I would accept that my English is any good and if I would be satisfied about that I wouldn’t keep going to improve it as good as possible and the only reason for which I came here would become needless. But anyway I’ll be off to bed now. Good night world.

Good morning world. Maybe it’s not for you, but it is for me just now. I woke up at 4.15am this morning to see an old tradition in England. The may dance. It is pretty much the same like in Germany, but I was sure about that, so I decided to go there to watch it. Why did I get up so early?  Well, the dance starts at 5.35am when the sun is rising, that why! It wasn’t really exciting but to be honest, it was worth to get up so early. I really enjoyed to morning till now. By the way its 9am now, I just came back from my second breakfast. I took some breath taking photographs of the landscape in ash down forest and of flowers around the community. The fact that it was raining yesterday night might this morning special. It was really bright, although it still is, and the drops of the rain are still on the leaves. One day I gotta load them up, to show you what I’m talking about. You can all the time visit my web album of photographs at http://picasaweb.google.de/JayJay2803.

If I ever upload picture, then it will be there.

Somehow it is really strange. I was in such a good day rhythm before I went to London with my friends, but now after this few days of party and hangover I’m totally lost. I don’t wake up so easy anymore and I even don’t know which day it is sometimes. I guess I’m lost in the time. I really should try to find my way back on track, otherwise I won’t survive in Germany when I’m back. All this, to be on time, to know everything week before it will happen. It kind of slip away from me during that year. Well to be honest, I wasn’t ever the guy who is on time. People who know me personally can confirm that. I try really hard. But somehow it never will happen. I know still the first day when I was just on time to start the day since I’m here. It was 7 month after my arrival. Nothing to be proud of. It is really not the case that I don’t want to. I wake up every day early enough, but then I don’t know. I am wake and I lie there watch the ceiling of the room. My mind is working to 100% in clearness but I can’t move. I really can’t, even not the legs which are actually every morning crossed. I lie there like I would lie in a coffin. Pretend to be dead, don’t move, breath slowly and as little as possible. It’s like my spirit or soul or call it what you like to, is separated from my body. My mind is working. I have all the time the thought, get up know or you will be too late. But I don’t move. And after a few minutes the thought changes to, get up know you are really short on time, but I still don’t move. Then it comes the moment where the thought changes to, alright you are too late know so get up and make it not worse than it already is. After this thought I might get up, but on a really bad day this thought will be followed by the last thought, which is, ah you are already too late nothing to worry about 5 minutes more or less changes nothing. But here comes the truth, it changes a lot. Everything is connected. Not only in time, your whole environment will effect to your behavior. If you wake up late, you might rush in the morning, which will guide you to not really a relaxed and happy mode. This effects your whole surrounding. If you are in a bad mood, you will hand it over to the next. Maybe not straight away, but it changes the mood immediately or at least a bit. This interacts to the next people and so on. So you can actually the reason why your parents are in an argument or even worse people who you even don’t know. So it’s not only your life which will be effected by the fact that you are too late, it is even worse it will effects the whole universe. Sounds pretty confusing, I know but if you think about that in a quiet moment you will come to the result that I am right.

Haha and there we are again, because I’m too late again. Somehow I like to make a chaos. I don’t like the order, even if I do like it in some ways. I really close to think I’m a split personality.

I will report later or some other days. I really gotta go now. I should calm down the universe.

Oh man, what a day, lovely sunshine but although pretty tough. I know I said I’ll try to write straight the next day and I knew that I didn’t. Well anything has its reason. I really tried to but I hadn’t the time in the last few days and not to energy either. The reason why I’m writing now is actually that I’m too lazy to have a shower now, even if I should go. 1 hour to go, should be enough, we’re only going to the Forsters, that’s a pub in the next village. I thought about Brighton by they don’t wanna go, they’ve gotta work tomorrow again. Who are they? They are the guy from Nutley Hall. Well I kinda like that, should save money. I wanna do so much in the next few months. Hiking at the lake district in the north of England, having a longer weekend in Cornwall where are the best beaches are in England, further I wanna visit my brother in Denmark when I’m back, Holidays with my best mates, gosh damn. Too little time for all that stuff. I should work as well a bit, before I start my study, looking after a flat.

Sometimes I fell so lonely, somehow I need a person who’s telling me everything’ll be alright. On the other hand I really enjoy my single state. Everything has its pro and negatives, that’s life. There’s no win without lose on some point. In my opinion the best way to life with that fact and the fact that we’ll never achieve exactly what we wanted to, is to see the positive sides on everything and to be glad about everything what we do have. If you are I’ll be glad that it isn’t worse. If you don’t have much money be glad to have at least a roof over your head and food every day. I could go on with that but it’s not really new isn’t it. Many people talk about that, how to get happy and that happiness start with the view on all the things which you actually already have and already achieved. Most of the time we think it’s normal that we’ve got food every day and a roof and a warm room and that we’re healthy. But in matter as a fact that’s not the truth, we should be bloody grateful about all that, not every human being has these standard things. Oh man how did I get there, somehow it’s really interesting what’s coming out at the end if you just start to write. Don’t think a lot about what and how to write all that. Most of the time I just sit here and write without any thoughts in the beginning I just write whatever pops into my mind and I don’t why but I guess that’s the best and the most honest way to write. Of course my writing skill are that good and of course if I would think about stuff I might find straight away an answer for most of my questions about life and all the environment of your life. Even it might be a bit clearer for you guys to read all that stuff. I reckon it’s not really easy to follow me all the time, don’t worry I’ll understand if you think I’m crazy or a fool or whatever. The point is, if I think about what to write, I’d skip the most of the things. Maybe they ain’t really necessary to talk about maybe they are. Who ever read that you should be really interested in what I’m talking about, it looks most of the time like nonsense and to be honest I guess it is most of the time like, but there is this small message in all my blogs which I wanna let you know, coz it’s happening to me and it’s exactly the thought which I have or had at this time. So I think about everything how would I right it while it happening to me, you maybe know that feeling, something is really catching something is just breath taking and you know exactly how would write it you’ve got that inner monologue in your head you see it you hear it and you forget it and that’s the most awful thing ever. My blog would be really pretty, alright maybe it is according to some comments, but then it would be even better. Oh man, I’m lost again in the lines of this white paper on the screen in the time and in the thought. How shall I get out of it? Well, most properly with an shower and a cool beer from the fright will cheer me up again and will make me ready for tonight, coz finally I’ve got a new haircut and I wanna know how the women will like it =). I shouldn’t write about that! Doesn’t matter, well you’ll hear something the next days. I won’t promise it but I really try to, that’s all what I can do. Cheers for reading I’m really deeply grateful for all the comments. It keeps you going if you know somebody reads all the rubbish or genius work however you wanna call it. Anyway I’m really happy to read good comments all the time, so keep going to comment my blog and I’ll keep going to write it. Cheers again and bye for some time…..